Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Speed Dating, take 1- Pt 1

A few weeks back I received an email from one of the local speed dating groups here in Dallas.  The event started at 8:00 and was held at Blue Mesa in Addison.  Going into the event I thought best case scenario I meet someone awesome and worse case scenario I have a story for my dating blog.  We were able to take notes and here's what happened.

7:50- I go to the bar to order a dos equis.  The skinny sales man guy next to me orders a shot of crown and a beer.  He takes the shot, psyches himself up by saying some Tony Robbins "yes, yes, yes" motivational bullshit and then goes over to the coral of guys waiting to be assigned their first station.  How did I know he was in sales you ask?  His shirt and pants were immaculately pressed while his shoes looked like dog shit 10 year old payless plastic shoes.  You can always tell a salesman from his shoes.  They young guys spend money on the shirt and pants and slack off on those shoes since they figure the shoes aren't that important when you are sitting at a desk all day.

8:05- the host comes over and has us circle up now that the girls seated.  He looks right at a black dude and says "Who is my most brave guy here".  I raise my hand and say me.  Nobody else has their hand raised and he looks at me and laughs, shakes his head and says "OK".  He leads me to an average looking girl with auburn hair and slightly more pale than I.  We have about 10 minutes before the official start and start talking any way.

8:08- Three minutes in and apparently we've reached the comfort level in our relationship where she says "I'm not racist but..."  Every white person in their life has heard this phrase at least once.  and it's ALWAYS followed up by something racist.

8:10- The actual speed dating starts and we're now into the "third quarter of her her life" (her words and my math is kind of fuzzy about how we're in the 3rd quarter of her life) when she turned 22 and was working in North Carolina at the Verizon store as an assistant manager.  The only thing I've said at this point was "uh-huh" and "yeah".

What feels like 2 years and 16 min later- bell rings and I move to the next table.  The guy in front of me is late 30's- early 40's and in pretty decent shape and over 6'.  He's also wearing an Affliction shirt, true religion jeans, and pointy dress shoes.  That makes me feel slightly better and upbeat as I move on I also notice the sales guy is moving tables after me and I kind of pity him for what's in store.
I sit down to someone who looks annoyed at me and I haven't spoken a word yet.  She stares at me with a bored look and doesn't say anything.  I learn a few things about her; She loves Queen, David Bowie, Glam Rock, and the movie Labyrinth.  She also used to manage my friend Denato at work and when the connection is made she says "Denato, he's such a FUCKING guido!"  That about explains how the next 16 minutes goes.

3rd stop- A very nice conversation and we had a lot in common.

4th- She's very attractive and right off the bat we hit it off.  A few minutes in I learn she just moved here 5 months ago from Arkansas and it explains why she's so cool.  Dallas hasn't corrupted her yet and I like the way things are going.  She's also here with one of her friends but she won't say who.  We talk about mountain biking, trail running, craft beer, and red wine.  Check mark to that one

5th- She's a ballet and ice skating instructor who has a twin in her home state.  And she wants a kid.  and she wants a kid real soon.  Her twin just had a kid and she wants one.  Did I mention she wants a kid, because she sure did.  I'm trying not to breathe to hard in case she's already taking hormone treatments and pre-natal vitamins.   I tune out and notice the sales guy's spill about his job and I hear him say "It pays the bills" for the 5th time in a row.

6th- There is an empty bud light, an empty rocks glass, empty martini glass, and an empty shot glass.  This is going to be fun.  She's from San Antonio and before we get any further the waiter brings her a vodka soda.  Instantly I'm sad.  I can see this train wreck coming and I'm sad.  I don't want to be at the front of this line, I want to be here when she's fucked up dropping c bombs and talking word salad through glassy eyes.  She slurs into over enunciating  the word Guatemala like when a white person is at a bar talking about how he joined the peace corp after college and built drinking purification centers in Guth-A-Mala and followed by "Dos shots of TeQey-La por favor".  Alas, I have to move on and I won't get to see 40 year old virgin recreated in person...